TW: Suicide
*These reflect my own personal thoughts and experiences and is not therapy. If you are experiencing suicidal ideations, please call or text ‘988’ (America)*
I’ve always found it strange that there’s one month of the year dedicated to Suicide Prevention, though I understand it’s better than not having the conversation, but the truth is suicide happens often and should be talked about more. According to the CDC, suicide is the 10th leading cause of deaths in America, but 2nd in leading causes between people age 10-34. Fourth leading between ages 35-44. In 2019, there were early 2.5x more deaths by suicide (47,511) than homicide in America. On avg, there are 132 suicides a day (CDC, 2019). Native Americans have the highest rate at 20 per 100,000. Then White (15), Black & Hispanic (6), Asians (6) (SPCC, 2019).
I’ve shared my experiences many times to different people, and I’ve found it helped with my own processing of suicide and death. However, everyone is different so in no ways do I ever speak for other people’s personal experiences. What I tell people though is that I’ve had suicidal ideations in the past, and two attempts. The second was definitely a darker time in my life, but the first was just feeling lost and not fitting into society. I felt like a hindrance to my family, friends, and the world. I wasn’t clinically depressed, but I felt off, not myself. It felt like the world was going by and I was just standing still like a weird time-lapse video. I had made the decision that there was nothing else for me in the world at the time, and I hadn’t shared it with anyone. I attempted that week.
Since that moment from 2013, I remember how much more aware on the topic of suicide was. I took it especially hard when Robin Williams completed suicide. I didn’t talk to my gf or family at time time for a few days, I was processing. How can such a funny man with connections to my home city, who made millions around the world laugh, had much money and celebrity status kill himself? I didn’t understand. I realized since then that suicide is complex. Leaving many people surrounding the question of “why?”
The second time I attempted, I asked myself that “why” in the lens of my family and friends. I told myself that the world would be better off, that I’m doing what others would want me to do. That’s why, to make others happier and relieved. I was told that suicide is selfish, when in my mind, that was further from the truth. I wasn’t being selfish, I was doing this for others. This was the narrative that I fed myself. I did learn something about myself at the time, and it was nobody and nothing could have talked me out of the moment. I had to talk myself out of it.
Now, four years from that moment, I’m a pre-licensed mental health professional. I tell my clients that time to time it feels strange that I’m even in this position. I’m shared experiences from varying people for years about suicidal ideation, attempts, or friends and family who have completed suicide and they were the one to find them. No matter how many times you’re told or it’s been shared with me, that gut punch feeling doesn’t go away. It makes me think of all the times pre-training, when a friend had shared an ideation and I disregarded it. I didn’t take it seriously and thought they could fight through it. But I want to apologize to all of those friends that I wasn’t there for in the moment they needed someone to be there with them. I’m sorry.
When I made a video of “my character” contemplating suicide, my co-worker Nick Cureton saw me at work and said, “I saw that video bro, you good?” Even though at the time I wasn’t personally having any ideations, that moment meant a lot. Appreciate you Nick.
Watching a scene from Episode 7 / Season 1 of ‘Reservation Dogs’ last week was especially activating. There’s a scene when one of the characters finds a close friend who completed suicide. It brought up a ton of feelings. At the end of the episode, Jessie educated me on the disproportionally high death by suicide in the Native American community. I still think about that scene today. I still think about ’13 Reasons Why’ when they made the decision to show the character complete suicide on the screen. It was the first time watching something like that, I wasn’t prepared for it.
It’s not alien for me to share something like this on here, I’m not ashamed or embarrassed of it. I just want there to be more dialogue. Check in on your friends. Look for different phrases or words like, “I could kill myself right now” or “I just want my life to be done” or even “I just want to sleep forever”. Behaviors like someone giving everything away. If someone trusts you to share their suicidal ideation, I can understand it may feel like a lot of weight. There are risk assessments that checks on an individual’s ideation by seeing if they have intent, a plan, means to the plan, and a timeline for when they want to carry out that plan (NIMH.gov)
Pictured is around the time I had my attempt at suicide. Also the pictures of Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain that I had on my phone wallpaper for a while, it helped me through grad school.
Lifeline: 1-800-272-TALK (8255)
Text HOME to 741741
988 (available July 2022)
