Risen
Growing up around religion has been a huge part of my life. My mother who taught me Catholic practices, my grandpa who taught me Buddhism, and my father who introduced me to Christianity. It was not until I began going to a Christian summer camp and Bible school did I begin to lean my interest in religion towards Christianity. What an interesting road it has been. Today, I consider myself to be Christian, though I am not a part of a church community. There’s nothing wrong with churches, I just have had differing relationships and experiences that have pushed me away. My Christianity is moreso my relationship with God.
Having different experiences with God growing up, from those weeklong church retreats, to going to a Hillsong United worship and throwing my hands in the air with my eyes shut. I realized that Christianity for me wasn’t what was in the Bible, but rather what my relationship was with my peers. If they thought it was cool, then I’d do it. If it made me into an image that they liked, even though it wasn’t an authentic me, then I’d do it. At those times in my life, I truly believed thats what Christianity was about. As long as I went to church, donated to the offerings, said grace before meals, had on Chris Tomlin in my car… all of that…. all of that is enough to call myself Christian.
It wasn’t until 2016, when my depression, my anxiety, my overwhelming thoughts was at an all time high (or low, however you look at it). It was March 24th, the day before Good Friday, I just sat in my shower with the lights off, it was pitch black. I couldn’t stop thinking about the darkest moments in life. I cried. I screamed. I didn’t want to be alive anymore. As the rush of the shower kept pouring down on my head, the room just went silent. I started to pray. I was connected to a level of spirituality that I have never felt before - not at Hillsong’s Worship, not at any church services, not at Jeremy Lin & Francis Chan’s Identity Unleashed conference in SF... this was the first moment I truly felt at peace with my relationship with God.
Being the impulsive person that I am, I wanted to have a reminder that God is with me. The next day, on Good Friday, I went and got my first tattoo. Small, simple, and in a place where I can see and be reminded daily. Like I said, impulsive. I look back at that date, 5 years ago, and have no regrets. Since then, my experience with Christianity has gone up and down, in and out, yet the relationship I have with God has been steadfast. I do not promote my faith outwardly because it is something I continue to explore and deepen. I have had many poor experiences in Christian institutions, even currently at my master’s program in George Fox.
However, I know, I KNOW, that through the exploration… God has showed up at almost every turn of my lows, and at every celebrations of my highs. I continue to pray in the shower, and read passages throughout the week. I’ve come a long way from what I thought my version of the “ideal” Christian was… though I may not fit the mould of what other’s vision of Christianity is… I know that for me, it first begins with my relationship with God.
