Farewells
“We don’t always have the opportunity to close, but what does it look like for us to end well?” This is the line that my co-therapist Josh uses in our sessions together and his own. A simple question that has gotten me to think about this whole past week. As I ended my time with my counseling internship, I had the opportunity to end with all ten of my clients. In the counseling field, terminations can usually look like ghosting. To have an opportunity to end with all ten of my clients, it’s been something special. However, knowing that once that session ended, that there will be no contact or chance to hear from them again, that was something new.
With a week of farewells to not only all ten clients, I also said farewell to classmates, professors, supervisors, and friends as we prepare for our graduation. I said farewell to my office, and the campus that I spent the last 3 years at. I said farewell to a chapter of my life when I moved to Oregon for graduate school, now finishing up and leaving me to make a lot of life decisions in the next month. I said farewell to friends who are moving to Washington, and those who are moving to San Francisco. As I’ve been processing it all, I thought of some things that I’ve personally learned about farewells in my life, but became accumulated for me this whole week.
Grief: There’s actually a fair amount of grief that went into every farewell. Some was felt in the moment, but many delayed later on as I was driving home, in the shower, or getting ready for bed… it just began to sink in. Not every grief was sadness though, it felt more like a void that was waiting to be filled.
I put up walls. I’m not sure if this is to protect myself or avoid awkward conversations, but I recognize how I shut my emotions down when it comes to farewells. It may also be attributed to my own trauma with farewells. If I don’t want to process it, I just let it flow by, having it pop up in the most random of times.
With every ending, there’s a beginning. Although farewells typically look like endings, there’s also a birth of newness that comes with it. For both parties, there’s an opportunity to grow in different ways. For this instance, the ending of internship has opened up an opportunity to start working professionally in the field. For my clients, it may be for them to work with someone else or to grow and change from the work that has been done.
Not all farewells “end well”. Though this week has been many awkward good byes of compliments and reflections, sometimes farewells can look like just drifting apart and to never talk again. Some may be an unexpected death. Sometimes there’s falling out with friends or family members, and either party may be too stubborn OR find the energy isn’t worth investing in anymore. Sometimes there’s just simply no explanation and “the end” came and went before you even realized it, if you even ever realize it at all.
Won’t be the last farewell that I’ve had. After the first client, came another. Holding back the phrase “see you around” or “see you next week”. Then came saying farewell to my classmates and colleagues, some embracing for a hug. Then my friends. With every farewell, I knew in my head it wouldn’t be the last one I would have. One thing that I recognized is as I say good bye in the moment, I tell myself that I will eventually see them again. Whether I actually will or not, it makes the moment manageable to pass, until the next farewell.
Thanks PCTC. Farewell.
