ADHD + Me

*This blog does not constitute recommendations for mental health. These are my personal experiences and can only speak for myself.*

Here I am, my third website where I'm testing to see if it's easy for me to navigate. So far, it seems that way. I had originally asked my friend if she knew any websites that had a similar layout to Xanga, Xanga was my shit... so here we go, again.

I was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder) in 2018, and this was done due to my curiosity and exploration as I had returned to an academic university after a decade. Now, I did go to undergrad in 2012 (I graduated high school in 2008, tried out community college that first semester, then dropped out.) The decision to attend an undergrad came along with my hunger for the creative side of my brain, I went to the Academy of Art University in San Francisco. Now, I say "academic university" knowing AAU is, in fact, an academic university. However, because I went there for the Motion Pictures & Television program, with a focus in video editing... there wasn't much of an emphasis on reading textbooks, information memorization, essays, and exams. Most of the program was very much hands-on learning.

SO, with that tangent aside, knowing I was going back to school for my graduate program in Marriage, Couples, and Family Counseling; I thought it would be a good idea to look into something that I've held off for ages: My lack of attention and focus in traditional school work. When I was in my K-8 school in San Francisco, I was placed in the GATE program in 5th grade, that's the Gifted & Talented Education program. In the program, we had an extra assignment and projects to do that other students did not have to. Due to this title, I felt a boost to my ego, look at me world. I'm gifted.

It wasn't until the same year, that we had begun learning multiplication and division, and to my dismay, I did not understand any of it. As I saw my classmates complete assignments with ease, I thought to myself, "But I'm gifted, why isn't this coming to me..." I remember countless nights of my father trying to teach me the basics of multiplication, eventually turning to having me just memorize the multiplication table with that math toy that went from 1x1 to 12x12, and you press down to see what the answer of 9x9..etc was. The long nights and continued failures have turned me away from enjoying math.

This came to head in the 8th grade when I was the only student to fail our math class. I was pulled aside by our principal and told, "If you want to graduate on time, you need to complete these math packets." I didn't have much choice, so everyday while everyone was in math class on the middle school campus, I was across the walkway in the elementary school building, outside of the principals office completing math packets. A moment I'll never forget is while I was working, some elementary school students walked by and asked what I was doing there and asked if I was in trouble. I felt ashamed and embarrassed, because in the grand scheme of things, I was. However, I completed them all, and graduated with my classmates in May of 2004.

Once I got into high school, I told myself things would be different. They weren't. Though I did great in English, PE, Health Education, Drawing, Cantonese, History and Driver's Ed. There were two classes that I struggled in: Algebra and Biology. My first two F's of high school, right at the tailend of the year I got a F in 8th grade math. Boy was I pissed at myself. My biology class was during 7th period, I could not retain any of the information, but also I don't know if I entirely tried. I definitely remember fooling around making jokes, trying to flirt with the cute student, and being as witty to the teacher's responses. Sorry Mr. Gin. These two classes set the tone for the rest of my year and how I viewed science and math classes the rest of my time at Lincoln High.

I haven't told many people this, but I wasn't supposed to walk on stage with the rest of my class. I had worked out a deal with the school counselor to set me up with the easiest science or math course my senior year, but because I had already passed the easiest math class, I chose to be in marine biology, a class for freshmen. So there I was, a senior on my last semester of school, with a class of freshmen. I became that guy. The thought of those elementary school students came back to the forefront of my mind. I hated going to that class, because I felt ashamed every time I walked in. But I did it, and completed the requirements to graduate on stage by a slight technicality, add that I still had to attend a math course for summer school. Between all of this mess, I had made the decision to forgo taking the SAT or ACT as I felt I would never be able to pass the test or have the focus to study. I didn't even bother.

Fast forward to 2018, I opened the textbook to "Foundations of Counseling". All my insecurities of school came running back to me. I told myself I wasn't good enough or capable of passing the program, especially with all the papers we had to write. I've also failed many community college courses and regretfully two AAU courses (which cost $3000-$5000 a class). I almost dropped out of the counseling program, and the year has barely began. It was due to having our professor for the course, Dr. Dempsey, teach in the way he did, talk to me the way he did, believe in me the way he did.... was when I thought, I can do this. Let's rock it.

As I continued in the program and learned more about the brain and mental health, I became curious if some of my past education motivation was entirely due to me and my personality, or was there other factors involved. I went to see my physician and brought up the idea of ADHD, he had me take a test there. Looked at it, and said, "I'm going to refer you to the psychiatrist." A few weeks passed, and I had my appointment to see the guy. Mind you all, at this point, I was very against myself taking medication as I was worried of how it would affect my functioning as well as not wanting to be reliant on using meds. I was prescribed antidepressants in 2013, and then again in 2016, but had declined them both times. So here I was in 2018, sitting across from a psychiatrist as he said the words, "You have ADHD." I sat there, wasn't surprised, but disappointed, sad, even frustrated thinking of how many years or decades this has gone undiagnosed. Wondering if I had it during my formative days and beyond. He asked if I wanted medication, for the first time, I said yes.

Now in present day, I am happy to say I have completed my program back in 2021, and am now working towards my licensure to be a full fledged therapist. Now looking back these past few years and seeing how helpful my medication was after all the essays, tests, papers, and readings... it just made me wish I had gotten on it sooner to be able to build better studying and work habits. As I'm writing this, I am preparing to study for the National Counselor Examination (NCE), with the new knowledge of ADHD and its effects, I feel much more equipped as I have noticed how much more focus and information retention I have this go around. Having missed out on the SAT and ACT, this will in fact, be the biggest exam I have studied for in my life. Soon after, will be superseded by the Marriage & Family Therapy testing for my MFT license. One step at a time.

During this journey, I have learned how much my ADHD could have played a part with my interactions and relationship with friends, family, romantic partners, and co-workers. My relationship with myself. My relationship with life. This is where the blog comes in, my personal processing playground. Welcome to the mind, of a ADHD therapist (in training), and all the antics, tea, and drama that makes up who I am.